Cootie Pies
by dad-are-you-space
Summary: After breaking his problem of puking around girls, Stan unintentionally unleashes an outbreak of cooties upon the kids of South Park on a scale unseen by humanity before. (Contains Rule 63. South Park (C) Comedy Central/ Trey and Matt)
1. Chapter 1

**Just a little note: sorry I haven't really done much here recently, but I had an idea for a new story and decided to run with it. I'm not sure what I'll be doing with it yet, but hopefully it'll be fairly entertaining.**

Chapter 1

"Guys, guys, guys!" Stan exclaimed, running along the path to the bus stop and panting as he reached Kyle, Kenny and Cartman, all of whom stared blankly at him before grinning slowly. "You won't believe what I did last night!"

"Well, I guess everyone's gotta find out someday," Kenny sniggered to himself.

"Calm down, dude," Kyle smiled. "What happened?"

"Well, get this," Stan explained quickly and excitedly. "Mom let Wendy come over yesterday, and we did all kinds of fun shit, and then at the end, she kissed me on the lips, and through all that, I didn't even feel sick!"

The other three looked at him with their eyebrows raised and mouths open- well, with Kenny you had to assume. "Pictures or it didn't happen," the hooded boy mumbled.

"Um..." Kyle fumbled for what to say. He didn't want to hurt Stan's feelings, but then again, he didn't want him getting obsessed over Wendy and taking off. "C-congrats, man..."

Something clicked in Cartman's mind all of a sudden. Not really an intelligent thought, but his equivalent, at least. "OK, Stan, listen to me. I think you're in pretty big trouble right now-"

"Look here, fatass," Stan cut in angrily. "I know you hate her, but do I seriously not have a right to have a girlfriend?"

"No, you don't, but that wasn't actually my point," Cartman replied matter-of-factly. "Tell me, what did you two do yesterday?"

Stan shrugged. "Well, we played some Okama Gamesphere... cuddled a little... watched Terrance and Phillip... had pizza... and she kissed me on the lips," he recalled.

A horrified expression spread across Cartman's face. "Mother of God," he murmured, crossing himself.

"What's eating you, fatass?" Kyle sniggered.

When Cartman spoke again, his voice was cold, his expression wracked with disgust. "How could you taint us like this?" he growled.

"Dude, what the fuck did I do?" Stan asked innocently.

"Be silent, aberration," Cartman continued unflappably. "You came unto us and tainted us all with your... _cooties."_ An ominous Hans Zimmer _bwom_ seemed to pierce the air as he said that last word.

"Wow," Stan responded, frowning and folding his arms indignantly. "You're even more of a dumbass than any of us could ever imagine. There's no such thing as cooties." The Hans Zimmer _bwom_ sounded again.

Ignoring him, Cartman drew a magic 8-ball from his bag. "Oh, but they do," he went on, his tone like a preacher. "And it is too late for you... for all of us... you will bring the end of boys in this town... soon, there will be only girls..."

Stan sighed. How long was he going to drag this crap out for? "Look, fatass, cooties" – _bwom-_ "aren't real. They're like the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny, or M. Night Shyamalan's career. They're just things people made up because we think they're funny."

"They aaaaare..." Cartman droned. "Don't you feeeeel the cooties" – _bwom_ \- "in you? Infecting you? Taking control of you?"

A little less aggressive in the situation, Kyle interjected, "Can you at least tell us what cooties-" – _bwom_.

"CAN SOMEONE CUT IT OUT WITH THE FUCKING BWOMS ALREADY?!" Stan squeaked- and couldn't even believe what he'd just sounded like. It was as if his voice was different. Girly. He covered his mouth in panic.

This seemed to bring Cartman's incantations to an end, and he fell about laughing. "THAT'S what they do, Stan! You've got cooties-" _–bwom-_ "and now they're turning you into a girl!" He looked up again before laughing more. "Ooh! Ooh, look, you're getting rosy cheeks and shit!"

Furiously, Stan kicked him in the balls. Cartman let out a pained yell, and then shouted, "THAT HURT, YOU COCKSUCKER!"

"Speak for yourself, Cartman!" Stan replied with a tone he wanted to sound triumphant, but which just sounded even more girly. "I think somebody just got herself some cooties!" _–bwom._

Whilst Cartman looked at his crotch, then at Stan, stricken with disbelief, Kyle and Kenny looked at each other, then shuffled just away from the other two.


	2. Chapter 2

Stan and Cartman sat quietly on opposite corners of the bus, both of them glaring at each other furiously. Neither said a word.

As they finally got to school, Cartman rushed into their classroom with an evil grin. Stan waited frantically outside the room, hoping to find the only person who might understand what his 'friend' was talking about.

Without realizing, he'd put his hands behind his back and his legs closer together. His mind was too busy swimming with worries that he didn't even notice.

"Hey, Stan," chimed Wendy, breaking Stan's stupor. Her voice sounded even more affectionate to him now, perhaps unsurprising considering the previous day's events, but even so... "You need to go to the bathroom?" she giggled, pointing at his legs tightly pressed together.

"What?" he asked confusedly, then looked down- and felt as though he was going to freak. "Shit! Wendy, you've gotta help me!" he yelped, grabbing her by the collar of her coat- and then realizing his voice was almost as high-pitched as hers.

Wendy stared blankly at him, her mouth open and her eyes unblinking. "I think I'm turning into a girl," Stan explained hurriedly. "I don't know what happened, but I'm suddenly acting all girly in these weird ways! It's like that _Friends_ episode!"

"Since when did you watch _Friends_?" Wendy responded incredulously.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S SPREADING!" Stan wailed, his voice now higher than hers. Sensing the situation wasn't going well to say the least, Wendy gave him a hug and tried to calm him down.

"C'mon, Stan, calm down!" she insisted. He didn't stop sniffling quickly, so after what seemed like an eternity, she finally slipped out of the hug, went around his back and just nudged him into the classroom.

As they entered, Stan noticed something odd. All the boys had their hands to their crotches, and Cartman was suddenly looking a lot happier. "What the fuck did you do, Cartman?" he demanded.

"Oh, nothing much," the now soft-voiced Cartman replied, rubbing his nails in a futile effort to look sensuous. "I just figured if I'm not gonna be a boy from now on, neither is anyone else."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Wendy asked indignantly.

Cartman's evil grin widened further. "Well, since you spread your cooties-" _–bwom-_ "to Stan, and he gave them to me, I figured for once I could at least share."

In unison, the two insisted, "Cartman, neither of us have fucking cooties!" _–bwom._

"Say, what's up with all the music noises coming out of the sky all of a sudden?" Butters interjected his voice sillier than ever.

Largely indifferent to this by now, Stan just glared at him. "Shut up, Marge."

"What? I-I'm Butters!"

"Well, if we're girls now, we might as well get used to girl's names," Stan frowned dejectedly.

At precisely the wrong moment, Mr Garrison entered the room, clearly not in a good mood. "Hello there, boys and girls-" he started wearily. Wrong from the first sentence.

"Mr Garrison, there aren't any boys here," Kyle pointed out, his voice's pitch also raised since Cartman had kicked him in the nuts.

"Oh, my mistake, Kyle!" the impatient teacher replied, snapping like a twig; like Mr Twig, even. "Of COURSE there aren't any boys here! In fact, I bet there aren't any girls here either! I'm sure we're all just a big bunch of COMRADES or some shit like that! How about we band together and build a kibbutz and hang around picking fruit and fucking chicks and-"

He noticed at that point that literally everyone in the room was staring at him in disbelief. "Ahem," he started again. "Would someone mind telling me where Kenny is, at least?"

"WOOHOO!" a muffled, feminine voice came through from the corridor. Kenny burst into the classroom dancing around like a lunatic, humming merrily to himself with his hands messing about inside his parka and a satisfied expression on his face.

Mr Garrison shrugged. "They don't pay you enough to deal with this crap, do they?" he mumbled to himself. "You said it, Mr Hat."


	3. Chapter 3

The day went by awkwardly for Stan, trying not to let all this crap get to him and failing badly. Nobody except Kenny seemed to be happy with what was going on- not even Cartman, ironically, who was still complaining about how much Stan's small kick in the balls hurt.

Eventually, the day finally ended, and Stan stopped Wendy on the way out of class. "We need to talk," he said sadly.

For a few moments, both of them stood awkwardly in the corridor, tears in their eyes. "If... if I am a girl now..." Stan mumbled.

Gently, Wendy came over and hugged him. Pausing to figure out how to say something to him, she slowly replied, "Stan... you don't seem to realize something. If you are who you are, I don't give a shit if you're a guy or a girl."

Suddenly, something clicked with Stan. This didn't feel the same as it had last night. Sure, it was nice, but there had been something more before. After she let him go, he looked at her sadly. "I... um... think we should just be friends."

Wendy's face fell. "O-OK."

Feeling very sorry for her, Stan clutched her hand softly. "Best friends, I mean."

"You'd be OK with that?" she smiled, then pulled him into another tight hug.

"Yeah, definitely," Stan replied, hiding his hesitation. He was kinda regretting this already.

With a mischievous grin on her face, Wendy added, "Maybe we should be friends with benefits."

Not getting what she could mean by the expression, Stan answered, "Sorry, I've got Kenny. He's already a friend with benefits," before walking away.

"Hi, honey! How was school?" Sharon called out as Stan entered the house.

"I don't wanna talk about it, mom," he growled as he headed upstairs to his room.

A little crumpled bit of paper fell from Stan's hand as he went. Unfolding it, Sharon recognised it as a small picture of Wendy. Heading over to her husband, she frowned, "Randy, go talk to him. Girl trouble."

"Really? He's nine fucking years old!" Randy replied crossly.

Hesitantly, Randy knocked on the door of his son's room. After a brief moment, he opened up to find a rather unfamiliar sight.

The curtains were tightly drawn shut, the room barely glowing at all in the dying sunlight. Stan's beanie was draped across his face, sobs passing deeply through the fabric, whilst his hair had noticeably lengthened over the day.

"Stan?" Randy murmured, trying not to spook him. Slowly, Stan sat up in bed almost exactly straight, the beanie slipping off to show his feminine face. He blinked a few times, but didn't look at his father.

"Stan... can you hear me?" Randy repeated softly.

Drowsily, Stan turned to him. "...Yes, my father," he replied in a sad, high voice. "Where's Wendy? Is... is she all right?"

Randy frowned. "I'm sorry," he replied solemnly. "It appears in your rage you dumped her."

The words hit him hard. Stan screwed up his eyes and wailed in protest. "I-it... can't be! J-just because... I'm a girl-" He knocked over his dresser in rage and staggered to the middle of his room, then let out a high-pitched, blood-curdling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Looking to one side, he noticed Randy was already by the door. "I'm... just gonna leave you to it..." he mumbled awkwardly.


End file.
